I just had no idea

I remember so clearly the period of time when we chose to put our new little family in God's Hands.

We hadn't been married six months yet. 19 & 20 years old, we felt a personal conviction about birth control & knew we wanted kids. We discussed it and decided to just stop using any form of BC. I remember offering a silent prayer, telling God that my future kids were in His hands and His timing.

I just had no idea what I was saying. Really, I figured it would be a matter of months before I could start telling people that we were expecting. That's how it goes, right? '

I just had no idea the journey that silent prayer would lead me through.

My sweet boy is nearing his second birthday and I said that prayer 11 years ago. We've seen infertility, more tests that I care to think about, a hysterectomy, loans, caseworkers, adoption, court, judges, papers, papers and even more papers!!

Our marriage and at times my own faith, has been pushed to certain limits.

I just had no idea the decisions we would face. Do we want to remain childless? Should we try fertility treatments? What about adoption; domestic, international, foster?

During all of this though, I can look back and see God's amazing Hand guiding our path. Whispering into our souls and comforting when there were no words to be spoken.

I just had no idea how many tears would fall when I put my life in God's hands. Somehow, I naively thought it would be easier than this.

Yet, as we are getting ready to embark on yet another adventure to bring our next child home, I feel so secure. I know that He is right here with us. I know that He has a perfect plan for our lives. Sure, to us it looks messy, painful and hard. But since when is my point of view the one that matters?

Every step we have taken has shaped who I am and the deep faith I have gained. I wouldn't trade it for all the tears I've cried.

Perspective

I'm needing a change of perspective and focus.

For so long I have been so me focused. What's going on in my life, how does that impact me, how much money do we have, how big is my house, how much sewing space do I have, how many kids are we going to have? How many people are reading my blog? How many people are buying my stuff? Who's donating to my adoption fund?

BLECK!

I'm gonna put this out there and tell you that I am blessed! I'm blessed beyond measure. In a time when people are losing their jobs, Mike has been told he will have a job. While people are scraping money together to pay the light bill, we are putting money in savings. I get to stay home and raise our son. Our cars are paid for, we have a manageable sized mortgage and no debt. Well, we have the adoption loan, but nothing else. I'm the mama to a boy who couldn't be more perfect for my family. I have wonderful friends who love and would do anything for me. I have the support of family and all of our parents are still living.

God's love is something I am ashamed of taking for granted. He is always there, and I'm guilty of putting Him on the shelf. I put my sewing, blogging, budgeting, etc etc ahead of Him. I fall to my knees when I need Him, but am off and running when things are good. I am changing that, here and now.

A couple of months ago, Mike called me during the day. "How much can we afford for me be off work each month?" Things at work were tight, and though he was promised a job, he wasn't guaranteed hours. This sent me reeling. While we were paying our bills, things were just a little tight. I started looking at the budget and the money. I spent the next two hours in serious prayer. I'm talking pacing the floors and talking to my Heavenly Daddy. He reminded me that He wants to carry my burdens. I gave the money to Him. I couldn't hold on to it any longer. I was tempted to hold onto our Tithes for a couple months, but did not. I'm so glad for that.

Since then, I have seen Him bless us, Mike's work and our adoption efforts. For a couple weeks, Mike was working some pretty crazy overtime. It allowed us to put some money into savings, for one of our goals. I've started watching a little boy a couple of days a week. We've put alot towards our adoption goals. People blessed us during Christmas to such a point that I was speechless. I've started watching a little boy a couple of days a week.

Simply giving it all to God has been so freeing! This huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Yet, I'm struggling against becoming spoiled. I promised God that I wouldn't go back there. I heard someone say recently that even though he has millions, he doesn't own a thing. He is simply managing it for God. I am reminding myself daily of that. God gave it to us, and He can allow to be taken away.

So, I'm putting this all out there for two reasons. 1) to have accountability. There is power in putting your weaknesses out for all to see. 2) to be a testimony to those struggling with the same issues.

For some reason, letting go of things and giving them to God is so hard to do. Probably has to do with the physical realm. We can't see God take our problems at first. However, you will see the results of giving them to Him. Maybe not right away, but you will.

Money

I'm so sick of it!! Seriously, it affects how I look at so many things. I hate that adoption is tainted by money. I hate that we are now considering only having 1 child because of the costs of health care. I wonder sometimes why some people seem to always fall backyards into it. While others have to scrape everything they have together just to get by.

In the midst of my frustration with money, I am putting my trust in God. The only reason I am sharing this you all, is to keep things real. If what I am feeling right now, can help even one person, then it's all worth it.

Here's a few scriptures I read and focus on when I am feeling this way.

Proverbs 3:5-6
5. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

11.For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Psalm 136:3, 13
O give thanks to the Lord of lords: for his mercy endureth for ever. . . .

These all remind me, that HE is in control. It doesn't matter how much money is in the bank, or what is going on around me. God knows me, and what is good for me. Even if it's not what I would choose. I put my life and trust in His hands. He is far more capable then I.