My Dad

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I have been neglecting this blog, and not sure if anyone even reads it anymore.

Maybe I'm posting this more for myself than anyone who might happen upon it. I just feel the need to get all of this out.

My Dad went home to be with the Lord on Sunday, January 24, 2010 at 6:30pm PST.

He had been in the hospital for almost a month, had gone through a couple of angiograms and a quadruple bypass surgery. The doctors were optimistic about his recovery even though it was slow. He was scheduled to be moved to a nursing facility the following day to begin physical therapy and build his strength back. He was even telling my oldest sister that he wanted her to break him out of the hospital. He was a fighter to the very end.

We're told that he went quickly from a final massive heart attack.

Over the last two weeks I have been reflecting on the man who I called Dad. He had his faults and I don't intend to gloss over those, however his strengths seems to outweigh the bad.

I learned about unconditional love from this man. Throughout my life, despite my failures he was always supportive. When I would get down on myself, he would remind me that all need to learn from our mistakes and it's just part of life.

He always took an interest in what I was interested at the time. He was always happy to share his passion for sports, gardening, music and especially Bible Study with me. I could call him and talk about anything, everything and nothing for hours.

I remember during my first real relationship at the age of 17, I was trying to figure out if I wanted to end it. I asked him for advice and all he would say is that I needed to figure out if I could live with the bad for the rest of my life. On the other hand, he encouraged me to consider living without the good as well. I later found out that he had no use the boyfriend, but didn't want that to sway me. He knew I would resent him if I ended the relationship solely because of his opinions.

I knew that no matter what, he would be there for me. Just about everything he did in his 70 years of life, was for his family.

He loved to garden and gave me an appreciation for fresh fruits and veggies. I remember sitting on the back porch eating pomegranates with him. We didn't need to talk, we just ate.

When I was raising goats, pigs & rabbits for 4H, he fed and watered in the morning for me. Knowing that at the time I was not a morning person. He built countless fences and pens over the years and I never heard him complain about the work involved.

Once I was grown and married, anytime I came over to visit he had a pot of coffee ready. He would remember how I took my coffee and happily served me before we'd sit down to talk.

He had one of those distinctive laughs and great sense of humor. No matter what, he was always smiling or laughing. We were even joking around the day of his angiogram. That was just Dad.

The hardest part about losing him, is that I have always been a Daddy's Girl. My mom says from day 1 I preferred my Dad. He has been such a big part of who I am. Moving out of state was the hardest decision I made, because of moving away from him. I know that as we grow up, we aren't supposed to need our parents as much. And in many ways that was true for me. But I always knew he was there. I could call him and just chat anytime I wanted. I could hop on a plane and see him if I so desired. I was a Daddy's girl. Now he's not there.

I am beyond grateful that I have comfort in the fact that he was a Christian. I know he is no longer in pain, and in the glory of eternity. He has no more pain, sadness or fear. My loss is for myself, not him.

two years ago, this weekend

Saturday, December 19, 2009

It was two years ago this weekend that we became parents. It was the Friday before Christmas, December 21, 2007. So, the actual 'anniversary' won't be until Monday, but there is just something special about the weekend before Christmas to me.

We had waited 11 long days, from the time we learned about our sweet boy, until he came home. (which, I know isn't bad for adoption, but it felt like an eternity.) We made phone calls, went shopping, smiled, laughed & cried. I could hardly sleep from excitement.

Our trip to get Nathan was a short one, only an hour away to the agency. I think we left extra early just in case. We sat at a McDonald's, down the the street and sipped coffee. A friend sent me text messages to make me smile and help calm me down.

Once we got to the agency, there was paperwork to be signed. Honestly, I don't think I even read a piece of it. I just wanted all the red tape out of the way. Bad, I know but I'm just being honest here.

Then got to meet Nathan's first (birth) mom and her two boys. We visited for what I think was about an hour. Nathan's birth family is just awesome. I fell in love with them during that brief visit.

The the interim family arrived and I laid eyes on my son for first time. I was frozen. Mike had to tell me that it was okay to go get him. I wanted to cry, but was so in shock that I just smiled and rocked him. I had wanted to become a mama for as long as I could remember. In a moment, it had happened. This boy stole my heart and I knew I would never get it back, nor did I want it back. There was a part of me that knew that his first mama still had time to change her mind. I'll admit, that is a terrifying thought for purely selfish reasons.

Our visit lasted maybe another hour. Then the social worker said a prayer over everyone in Nathan's little life and we went our separate ways. Mike strapped Nathan into his carseat for the first time, and we were on our way home, as a family.

I sat in the back seat, just be as close to him as possible. I remember rubbing his sweet chubby cheeks and listening to him coo and breathe.

That first weekend was so surreal to me. Feeding him, changing his diaper, napping with him. The things you grow to take for granted and just do.

This song comes very close to summing up how I felt that weekend. I heard it this morning, and just started crying. I remember laying awake in the middle of the night, listening to him breathe in the bassinet next to the bed. I just couldn't get enough of him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
'Cause I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing

Christmas time

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Two years ago this weekend, three different families had our profile books.

We had no idea how much our lives were about to change.

Each year I prayed that I wouldn't spend Christmas without at least knowing a baby was on the way. I would silently tell God that my only Christmas wish was a baby. I would be so disappointed each year as negative pregnancy tests would give me my news. Somehow, always an optimist, I just believed that one year it would happen for me.

I remember Monday, December 10, 2007 like it was today. My pastor called to check on me in the morning. I told him that if we didn't have our baby by Christmas, I would be okay with it. I was done putting time limits on God. I honestly felt a peace about waiting a little while longer for our baby. I remember cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry and just being busy around the house. At 1pm, only a couple hours later, our caseworker called & said that we had been chosen. I cried and cried!

After 9 years of praying, I was getting my Christmas present from God.

He was so worth waiting for and I wouldn't trade all the tears for another baby.

Christmas Present Nathan

I thank God each day for allowing me to be Nathan's Mama. I look into his eyes and see pure love.

Remember, God hears your prayers. Rarely does He answer them on our time frame. He knows better what we need and when the timing is just right. Praying you have a wonderful Christmas.

I just had no idea

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I remember so clearly the period of time when we chose to put our new little family in God's Hands.

We hadn't been married six months yet. 19 & 20 years old, we felt a personal conviction about birth control & knew we wanted kids. We discussed it and decided to just stop using any form of BC. I remember offering a silent prayer, telling God that my future kids were in His hands and His timing.

I just had no idea what I was saying. Really, I figured it would be a matter of months before I could start telling people that we were expecting. That's how it goes, right? '

I just had no idea the journey that silent prayer would lead me through.

My sweet boy is nearing his second birthday and I said that prayer 11 years ago. We've seen infertility, more tests that I care to think about, a hysterectomy, loans, caseworkers, adoption, court, judges, papers, papers and even more papers!!

Our marriage and at times my own faith, has been pushed to certain limits.

I just had no idea the decisions we would face. Do we want to remain childless? Should we try fertility treatments? What about adoption; domestic, international, foster?

During all of this though, I can look back and see God's amazing Hand guiding our path. Whispering into our souls and comforting when there were no words to be spoken.

I just had no idea how many tears would fall when I put my life in God's hands. Somehow, I naively thought it would be easier than this.

Yet, as we are getting ready to embark on yet another adventure to bring our next child home, I feel so secure. I know that He is right here with us. I know that He has a perfect plan for our lives. Sure, to us it looks messy, painful and hard. But since when is my point of view the one that matters?

Every step we have taken has shaped who I am and the deep faith I have gained. I wouldn't trade it for all the tears I've cried.

Updates

Monday, November 9, 2009

So, I've been slacking on blogging this last month. I'd like to blame it on recovering from surgery, but I know that's not true!

Update on my health: I had my follow up visit with my doctor & asked for a referral to an oncologist. Turns out Nashville has one of the best Oncology Centers in the country. I knew I was in good hands as soon I started looking into their center.

I will be honest, I was beyond scared to meet with the oncologist. I was afraid that she would tell me that I needed chemo, more surgery or worse that there was nothing they could do. Now, I didn't really expect to hear the latter, it was just fears. I think I cried more that day that I had in a month.

Once I got to the hospital, I was amazed at how well run it was. I got checked in quite quickly and almost no waiting time. Which was good, because I was a mess.

Once I met with her, she immediately put my fears aside. I didn't NOT have cancer. I did have a potentially malignant tumor in my ovary, but not cancer.

The down side to it all? I am now "high risk" for ovarian cancer. I have to go in and get a blood test & ultrasound every six months. Once I hit "natural menopause", as all the doctors keep calling it, we will re-evaluate leaving my ovary in place. For now though, it is providing my natural hormones and I'm just not willing to lose that.

Recovery from surgery has been good, overall. I have to keep reminding myself to take it easy and not overdo. My body does remind me when I get to doing too much.

My doctor seemed very impressed with my recovery though. I told him it's a lot of prayers! So, thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. It has been a whirl wind 6 1/2 weeks, and I have been blessed to be covered through it all.

Update on Adoption: We are currently looking into doing foster/adoption with the state. Our classes start next week and we should find out more about it all then.

So, any sales from Etsy shop won't directly be going to the adoption. Just me running a small shop from home. At least for now. Who knows what God has planned for our lives. We are just taking one step and waiting for direction.

My week

Saturday, October 3, 2009

This has been a pretty eventful week as far as weeks go.

I'd been having some irregular female issues & decided to go in for an ultrasound, just to be sure. My ultra sound was 10 days ago on 9/24. Doctor found "huge" fibroid tumors. Discussing the options, we decided that a partial hysterectomy was the best course of action for me. The plan was to remove my uterus & cervix. I felt a peace about this desicion that I just could not explain.

We scheduled surgery for the following Wednesday ~ 9/30.

Once he got in there, he found that one ovary was completely overtaken by endometriosis. Consulting with Mike, they removed said ovary and left the other. We did not want to remove it if it didn't need to, so that I could avoid hormone issues that come with a total hysterectomy.

The surgery was done with laparoscopic assistance, so I only have four very small incisions. I'm already feeling so much better. Only needed Advil & Tylenol for pain.

Talked to my doctor today and he told me that the pathology reports came back. Turns out that I had cancer in the ovary they decided to remove. I now understand that peace I had about rushing into surgery! Ovarian cancer is very silent and is usually not found until it's too late.

I have my follow up appointment with him Thursday, so I will be asking more questions. As of now he sounds confident that the cancer was confined to the one ovary and that this battle is over. He said that Someone must be looking out for me.

I've spent a couple of hours crying and sorting through all of this. It's been a lot to take in so quickly.

My reason for posting this? Get checked. Even if you think it's nothing. Get checked. I almost canceled my ultrasound because I didn't want to waste the doctor's time with a simple irregular period.

Your health is not something to play around with. Get checked. So often you hear people say "if only we'd known earlier." Or what I have been guilty of thinking "wow, glad it's not me".

Giveaway Winner

Monday, September 28, 2009

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

18

Timestamp: 2009-09-28 15:12:32 UTC


In total, we had 20 comments, but one was deleted & one didn't want to be entered.

So, the 18th comment entered into the drawing was from Joel! Hooray Joel! I'll send you an email to get all the details together to make the dress for your sweet girl.

Thank you to everyone who has promoted this giveaway & my etsy shop. This blog got over 300 hits since last week. That's amazing to me. A lot of people have been looking at my etsy shop as well.

I am currently taking order for dresses and anything else in my etsy shop. As I said before, all the proceeds are going to our next adoption. Keep watching for specials to hit the shop. I'm thinking of doing a Christmas special.