Pain to children

I have alot to work through, and I guess I will start by blogging a little. Forgive me if I ramble.

I just finished reading The Shack. It was hard to get through, I'll be honest. I won't say a whole lot about the book, in case anyone plans to read it. But, like the back cover indicates, the youngest daughter in a family is kidnapped and brutally murdered. Thankfully, they don't go into any detail of the murder.

Ever since a small child, around age 3, I remember having a fear of being kidnapped. Why? Who knows... I remember laying awake in bed long into the night, afraid to sleep. I was sure that there was a man under my bed, waiting for me to sleep so that he could steal me. The only concrete thing I can look to, is Adam Walsh was kidnapped and killed when I was only 2.

Now that I am an adult, I am terrified of Nathan being kidnapped. I kept him in our room at night for his first 3 months, because I hated the idea of him being too far from me. I didn't put him in the church nursery until late summer, for the same reason. When I would go the store, I would freak if people came too close. There was one time in particular, that I was at Target with my friend Katie. I was wearing Nathan in my sling, and a sweet grandma came over, started talking to Nathan & stroked his face. It took all my strength not freak out right then & there. I've had an unusual amount of strangers offer to hold Nathan for me. All of whom, I assumed to be child killers. Yes, even the sweet old grandma.

The book deals a lot with why God doesn't stop the abuse of innocent children, our views of God & forgiving those who commit evil against us. I totally get that God has given the human race the choice between Good & Evil. That is why horrible things happen to us and those we love. For God to force Himself on us, or stop us from following our free will, would be against the choice He gave us. (I know I could have said that better, but my mind is just not working right.)

I have always wondered if I could forgive a person for killing my child. I pray everyday that I will never have the opportunity to find out. In this book, the main character had to make that journey.

I am praying that God would reveal the source of my fear. I really believe that if you can find the root, the plant can be removed. Right now, I can't even process all that the rest of the book deals with. I may have to re-read it someday.

Smell of bread...

What is it about the smell of bread that makes me feel so good??

I am making a loaf of simple white bread in the bread machine... thanks Tia for the bread machine. =) It is almost done and the smell is simply wonderful.

Maybe it's because it takes me back to cold winter days when Dad would make stew & homemade rolls. To this day, if I smell bread or stew, I think of my dad. I can still see him in the kitchen, working away on the bread. He never did use a bread machine, he did everything from scratch & by hand. I remember asking him how much longer. When the bread was done, he would tear off the top, spread butter on it & let me enjoy.

Maybe it's because bread is such a great comfort food. Maybe it's because bread is a basic staple for human life. Or, it's all of the above.

Either way, I can't wait for the beep to let me know it's done. I will carefully pull the golden yumminess from the warm machine, plop it onto the cutting board, tear off the top, add a dolup of butter & enjoy! Of, course, I will think of my dad. Maybe I should give him a call...

If all works out well, I will making our bread from now on... =)

I hope that someday my kids wills smell freshly baking bread & think of me. Fond memories will tumble from their childhood and a smile will form on their faces.