Feeling Down

I am going to work through some feelings via blogging. So, if this gets rambling or too mushy, feel free to tune it out & move on to something else.

Every now & then I search this site and just look at the kids available for adoption. I pray for them, I smile at their faces and wonder when they might be adopted. It rarely goes any further.

A couple of days ago, I came across a little boy, named Kendy with a face that I can't forget. This face keeps calling to me. I cry when I think of him. He is so precious and his eyes seem to whisper "mama" to me. Immediately when I saw him, something stirred in me. I began to pray. I called Mike & sent him the picture. I called the adoption agency & asked about him and the process. Kendy is in Haiti, so it's all new to me.

Once Mike & I could sit down and talk about it, it became clear that Kendy most likely is not to be our son. Money is tight as it is, and we are still working on paying off adoption #1. There are grants out there, but you have to pay to complete a home study prior to applying for the grants. Even then, there is slim chances of receiving anything.

So, ever since, I just feel sad. There is an ache in my heart & a pit in my stomach. I want to bring this baby home and I hate that it costs so much money!! I hate hate hate the adoption system. Yes, I know, this system has allowed me to become a mother. I wouldn't trade Nathan for all the money in the world and I am grateful everyday that he is ours.

At this point, I am left to pray for some miracle and mourn the loss of an opportunity. I tell ya... this type of mourning is different. I have hope for Kendy that his precious face will call out to another mama and she will love him as much as I could have... however, I know that there are thousands of "Kendys" out there in this world. They are in orphanages and need someone to love them. Unfortunately, you need to be rich to love.

I was joking with Mike that if money were no object, I would live in a huge home just to rescue babies & kids. I am praying that God sees fit to bless us financially. He wouldn't give me this desire & compassion and no way to see it through.