Monday, July 6, 2009
I know I haven't been posting much lately. I think alot of it has to do with Facebook & twitter. I've been doing what some might call micro-blogging. I need to get back over here & will try to post much more regularly.
The main reason for this post is to share something that is very personal.
Most everyone is probably aware of our path to parenthood, but just in case here is a summary...
Mike & I got married in May of 1998. We decided to put having kids in God's Hands in November of that same year. We stopped using any form of birth control.
By 2004 we decided to find out what was keeping us from conceiving. We both went through basic fertility testing and were given a diagnoses (the cause itself doesn't matter) and were told it would take a miracle to get pregnant naturally.
After lots of prayer, we chose to not pursue fertility treatments, but adoption.
We both agreed that our goal was to become parents, not get pregnant.
In the summer of 2006 we listed our home in California and decided to move to Tennessee. We always knew that we wanted me to be a stay at home mom and believed God was calling us to take a step of faith in that direction.
We moved to Tennessee in the Fall of 2006 & started the adoption process in February 2007. By September we were approved to adopt & Nathan was placed in our arms in December 2007.
When we look at Nathan, it does not matter than we don't see any genetic connections to him. He is our son and we could not love him more if he were biologically ours. I knew as soon as I saw him, that those years of pain were for a reason.
I also mistakenly thought that my years of infertility were behind me. I still hold to my desire to parent over being pregnant. If God choses to place all of my children in my arms via adoption, so be it. However, since becoming a Mama, I have become aware of a club. It's a mommy club that doesn't allow everyone in. It's the club that discusses pregnancy tales, labors woes and the feel of seconds only old babies.
There are members of this club who seem to enjoy reminding me that I'm not a member. They laugh as they tell me that I "took the easy way to parenthood." or that "at least you get to keep your body." Now, I know that no one has ever said these things out of meanness of spirit. To ease my discomfort I have even joked about being glad I've never had to endure pregnancy and labor.
The thing is though, I know that I missed out on 9 special months with Nathan. I can only imagine the connection that a mother feels with her unborn child. The little flutters & kicks and the bond that time produces.
Why am I sharing all of this? For a couple of reasons really.
Last month we thought that I might be pregnant. It wasn't planned or even thought of until the symptoms & missed period. We spent about a week & a half not knowing for sure. I was scared to death to take a test. A fear that I can't explain gripped me at the thought of yet another negative pregnancy test. I spent almost all of my time talking to God during that time. I did my best to give him my hopes, desires & fears.
Sunday came, and we found out that without a doubt, I'm not pregnant.
I have gone back and forth about sharing this. Partly because I don't want anyone thinking I'm looking for pity ~ I'm not. I have always said that I didn't want my infertility to be something that I went through for no purpose. So many women walk the road alone and completely isolated. I did. It lead me to severe depression and nearly suicidal.
If the only reason God allowed me to go through this again is to reach another woman, so be it.
This last few weeks I have been clinging to a couple of scriptures.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
These verses give me so much comfort. To know that I can put my life in His hands and He will care for me. I may not understand why something happens the way it does, but that's not my job.
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4 comments:
I will never understand your pain, but through this post I was able to feel it. I am so sorry Kelly! I have no words other than the scriptures that you posted to comfort you. God is a good God! I have friends & family that have lost children, to only be given double doses back. Why they lost their children before ever knowing them is beyond me, but our Heavenly Father knows. I pray for peace, comfort & a double blessing on your part!
Love You My Friend!
I'm so sorry that it's been so hard for you guys. I can tell from your blog that you are a wonderful mommy to sweet Nathan and I know that God will bless you more children soon. I'll be praying for you!
I have had you in prayer. I could feel that you were struggling. :( I always feel really bad because I have such a large family. I don't want people to think that I'm rubbing it in infertile people's faces. I just really always wanted a large family!
And I can usually feel a big disconnection with infertile people because of it. It hurts me, because I don't usually enjoy hurting other people, even if it's not within my power to help. Maybe especially that it's NOT in my power to help. :(
So some situations can be uncomfortable for "fertile" women because we don't think until it's too late about not mentioning labor or pregnancy. Perhaps people realize this and they try to make it light-hearted to ease the pain of the situation? I probably would or I'd just come out and say sorry or just clam up. Sorry if I've said anything. I've tried not to!
But all-in-all I hate feeling that rift between me and "infertile" women, when I know that if the situation were different either way, we'd be closer friends.
Risa, for me personally seeing a big family doesn't rub anything in my undiagnosed infertile face. It means (I would assume) that you don't take for granted the children you have. You have so much love for your big family that it makes me smile. At least that's how I feel, I can't speak for everyone.
And Kbell, I know your struggles and ups and downs so well. Since bringing our daughter home there have a few months that I've wondered only to be let down again. It's for the let downs that I never even mention it to my husband. I'm afraid to even share that tiny bit of hope with him.
And you're better then me being able to laugh about those comments. Last time someone said that to me I did not handle it very gracefully.
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