Mother's Day

Can I just be perfectly honest for a few minutes?

I hate this holiday. Really, truly with everything in me, hate this day! Pray for me if you like, in fact, I welcome prayers.

For so many years, Mother's Day was an incredibly painful day for me. Wanting more than anything to become a mother myself, the day was a reminder of what I was not. People would wish me a "Happy Mother's Day" without thought to whom they spoke. I would watch women file to the front of the church for their chocolate and flowers. I would hear about how children are a heritage of the Lord.

That last one always got me... left me wondering, "am I not good enough to be a mom?" ~ I have tears just opening that wound.

I would sometimes see the pain on another's face, and want to hug her. I never did, for fear of stepping on toes or offending. Maybe I mistook her pain and was completely off base?

So, I started isolating myself on that day. I became "sick" and couldn't attend church. I avoided stores so as not to be reminded. We got together with family, to honor our mothers, but that was it.

Last year on Mother's Day I just couldn't handle it. It was my first year as a mom. I was still conflicted. Here I was a mother, but at someone else's expense. Another mother had to give up her rights as such for me to bear that title. I also knew there were women in our church who wanted to be mommies so bad. The last thing I wanted was to be a part of their pain. Nope, just couldn't do it!

I won't lie... I lost it that day. I got my son dressed and ready for church, I walked in, gave him to his daddy & left. I cried, I sobbed, I yelled out to God. I drove for hours, I sat in the park. I came home & tried to lose myself in a movie. Seriously, I think it was the closest to a nervous breakdown I've ever been. Maybe it was a complete breakdown, I don't know.

The hardest part in all of it? Know one ever seems to really get me. When dealing with these emotions I cannot just be the "good Christian" and do what's expected of me. I just CAN'T. Seriously, it's just too painful.

So, I deal with people talking about me, reprimanding me and reminding me of how I should act. I know what's expected of me, I really do need to bring it under control.

I am praying with all my strength that I can hold it together this year. That I won't run sobbing from the church. I pray that I can close my eyes and heart to the pain that this day brings, silently, for so many women.